A gift should make the recipient happy — or at least not sad or
angry. As the gift-giving season is upon us, it’s a good time to
remember that gifts are a powerful form of communication. So what
messages are being sent by the holiday gifts you’ve picked out for
people?
Gifts can enhance connections between people. A truly bad gift,
though, can ruin a relationship, with emotional impact that’s remembered
for decades.
Read all about "bad" gifts classified under the following 6 categories
The All About Me Gift
Many women would be overjoyed with the gift of diamond earrings from
their husbands. Not Patty, 58, who said that her husband Bill’s choice
for her of flashy, pricey jewelry was the worst gift she’s ever been
given. “We couldn’t afford them,” she said. “We had a new baby, a new
house, and the last thing I needed was diamond earrings. Bill got them
to impress his parents and to compete with his brother. Those stupid
earrings didn’t have a thing to do with me or what I wanted or needed.”
That was nearly 30 years ago. Bill’s gift prowess has improved since
then, and he and Patty are still happily married. The earrings didn’t
survive, though—Patty returned them the day after she received them.
Several people that I interviewed felt that charity donations given
in their names also fell into the “All About Me” category. “If it was to
one of MY favorite charities that would be different,” says Glenn, a
50-something manager. “Sometimes I think it’s not even about the
charity, they think they’ll look altruistic. Either way, it’s not really
a gift if you ask me.”
The Obvious Regift
Andrew, 32, was initially delighted to get an elegant Italian dress
shirt from his father. “Then I saw that it had his initials monogrammed
on the cuff. He hadn’t unfolded it, so maybe didn’t know. Thoughtless.”
Unless it’s a family heirloom, most people feel belittled by a
regift. Sometimes the gift itself is great, but what hurts is the
knowledge that it wasn’t chosen especially for them. Or that little to
no thought at all was put into the gift.
On the other hand, nearly everyone I spoke with had regifted a
present at some point. The key to successful regifting is to ask
yourself if you would have picked that gift out for that person in the
first place — and then be really careful to remove any evidence that
this was something that had been given to you.
Pete’s mom would not be classified as a successful regifter. “She had
this book on her coffee table for years. Then one year she wrapped it
up and gave it to me for Christmas,” related Pete, 62, who
unsurprisingly describes his mother as “cheap.” And that’s the most
common reason behind the unsuccessful regift. Others resort to regifting
due to poor planning — for example, grabbing something from the closet
on your way to the post office or party, out of desperation.
The Statement Gift
In a bizarre twist on the regift, Chelsea’s husband gave her the same
Gucci purse — literally the same exact purse — two years in a row. “I
loved that purse, it was the best gift I’d ever gotten. I loved it so
much I didn’t want to use it because I had two small kids and you know,
it would get dirty,” Chelsea, 38, explained. The next year, her husband
rewrapped the purse and gave it to her again. “He said since I hadn’t
used it, he might as well just give it to me again — now maybe this year
I’d use it.”
Chelsea’s husband made his point, and that’s what the statement gift
is all about. While gifts are intended to communicate a message of some
sort, the story is normally one of affection and caring. Statement
gifts, on the other hand, typically offer disapproval or some kind of
judgmental commentary aimed at the recipient.
Lori, 40, has received a gorgeous, expensive nightgown from her
mother for the last three Christmases. She hasn’t actually been able to
wear them though because the nightgowns aren’t really gifts; they’re
opportunities for her mother to deliver a message. “It’s always a size
or two too small for me,” says Lori, who says she is maybe 15 or 20
pounds overweight. “Then my mother rips it out of my hands and says, ‘Oh
that won’t fit will it? You know honey, you’ll never find a husband if
you don’t lose weight.’”
Terri, 64, remembers with crystal clarity the last Christmas of her
high school year. “I dropped hints for over a month about this suede
fringe handbag that I wanted so badly,” she recalled. “My parents gave
me a set of dishes for my ‘dowry’ instead. They had said they were
supportive of my going to college, but this told me that the real goal
should be a husband.”
The Well-Meant Misfire
“My best friend gave me an acne solution kit,” shared Jan, 26. “She was
absolutely trying to be helpful and thoughtful. She and I had talked
about my skin problems. But still, who wants an acne kit for Christmas?
At least she gave it to me in private instead of having me unwrap it in
front of other people.”
Misfires most often occur when the giver experiences a momentary
deficiency of empathy. They weren’t thinking from the point of view of
the recipient, but their own. This sort of mistake is easy to make
during the rush and
stress of the holidays.
“My wife gave me a stuffed teddy bear the first year we were dating.
It completely threw me, I thought maybe she was saying I was a little
boy or something,” said Alex, 33. “Between that and my poor reaction to
the gift, it’s a wonder we made it.”
The worst misfires are those with lasting consequences. Like a living
creature. Erin, 34, recalled the Christmas her single mom brought home a
puppy. “I think she thought that all kids should have a puppy, but she
hadn’t thought it through. Nobody in the house had time to care for a
puppy — the training, the vet. It was a mistake. We did love that dog
and he lived to 14, but still.”
The Passive-Aggressive Gift
“My mother-in-law takes the cake,” complained Theresa, a 40-something
accountant. “One year for Christmas she gave my husband a thick,
beautiful cashmere sweater and she gave me a mug that said ‘Scott’s
Wife.’ Of course she was smiling and laughing when I opened it, and
saying what a great joke it was. But I think it was meant to hurt.”
Passive aggression is hostility wrapped in soft bunting. It is a
special breed of the Statement Gift, and when it is handed over, it is
in effect as a weapon meant to deliver blows to the recipient’s ego.
“Last year, I lost almost 25 pounds, and then my so-called friend
gives me two pounds of See’s candy for Christmas?” Sheree, 30, griped.
“At first I thanked her and was thinking it was a really nice gift. I
love See’s candy. But then after I ate half the box and felt disgusted
about myself, I realized that it was actually a mean gift. She’s not my
friend, she’s jealous.”
“When her dad and I first married, my stepdaughter got me a hideous
top in a size XL,” recalled Sue, 50, who typically wears a medium.
“Frankly I wondered if her mother actually picked it out to take a
little swipe at me.”
The Non-Gift
In households with shared finances, if it was something you would have
purchased anyway, it doesn’t count as a gift. Socks, frying pans, and
hair brushes have all achieved the “worst gift” designation by the
people I’ve spoken with. But the baddest of bad in the non-gift category
are major purchases that were made without input from the recipient and
laced with a touch of the “all about me” gift.
Lucy, 54, offered one example of such a present: “After I was
accepted into graduate school, I spent months researching which computer
to buy and was about to get a Mac when my now-ex husband comes home
with a Tandy from Radio Shack. He said it was an early Christmas gift.
That gift was awful in so many ways. I felt cheated out of a real
Christmas gift, plus it wasn’t what I wanted. He pranced around acting
like he was so generous, bragged to his parents and our friends. It was
in my school budget all along.”
“Have you ever seen those ads with the car with the big bow and
wondered, who would buy someone a car for Christmas?” said 30-something
Sara. “My husband did. In fact I think it might have been ads like that
that gave him the idea. Anyway, I’m still making the payments on my
Christmas gift that WE are driving. He’s usually not that dense. I think
he thought he’d look like a hero getting that bow and all.”
If you weren’t already aware, these stories should demonstrate that
gift-giving is complicated. It’s time-consuming and expensive. People
are pickier than ever about what they’d like, and shoppers are
overwhelmed with options. It’s no wonder we don’t hit the mark every
time.
But to qualify as a “bad gift,” or to earn the Worst Gift Ever title
means the gift isn’t really a gift. It is a missive, a message that
comes across as hurtful or just plain thoughtless. And if there’s
anything that’s true about good and bad gifts alike, it’s that the
thought is what really counts.
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